Dear Goombahs,

There has been a few absences from the Forum these days. Why,just two weeks ago, it was me. Then Musicgal, Gia, Lucky and Dice (oh Dice...won't see him no more!).

Where did everyone go away to? No, not THAT "away"?

For those of us who were gone and did not have the luxury of bringing a laptop, as Gia did, we may have experienced some symptoms of withdrawal from Americanmafia.com.

Hereupon is my list of symptoms associated with "Americanmafia.com Withdrawal Syndrome" or "AWS" for short (in honor of one of my favorite expressions on the forum...awwwwwwwwwww).

If you, or any of your loved ones, are experiencing ANY of the following, AWS may be responsible.

1) VISUAL HALLUCINATIONS: every guy you meet is dressed in designer sweats and thick gold chains.

2) AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS: you continuously hear Luca Brasi's voice in your ear muttering "and may their first child be a masculine child."

3) ANOREXIA: decreased appetite for any foods that CANNOT be purchased from a pork store.

4) DYSPHAGIA: difficulty swallowing any food EXCEPT linguine and clam sauce (red or white).

5) SAUCE DEMENTIA: you insist on calling it gravy despite all evidence to the contrary. (Youngstown Charlie suffers from this particular symptom but is working hard to overcome it...my prayers are with you C!)

6) FACIAL FLUSHING: reddened cheeks and neck such as experienced after chasing that "rat bastard" who missed his weekly vig payment.

7) HEAT SENSATION: a feeling of warmth to the skin that can only be relieved by donning a sleeveless T-shirt, otherwise known as the Italian smoking jacket.

8) PALPITATIONS: the feeling of rapid heartbeats in your chest as if the Feds just busted into your social club.

9) PERIPHERAL EDEMA: ankle swelling caused by excessive consumption of salted baccala

10) NAUSEA: the feeling of "agita" you get such as when you hear an associate has been wearing a wire.

11) HEARTBURN: same as above.

12) DIARRHEA: not a true physical condition but all your goombahs THINK you have this symptom; in reality, you just keep running to the john to check to see if a gun has been planted behind the toilet.

13) JOINT STIFFNESS: joint discomfort caused by overuse, as if you've just given someone (who deserved it) a beatin' with a baseball bat.

14) MUSCLE CRAMPS: muscle discomfort caused by overuse, as if you've just dug a large hole, big enough for a body; usually experienced in conjunction with joint stiffness.

15) PRURITIS: itchy skin caused by accidental exposure to lime; usually experienced in conjunction with muscle cramps.

16) SORETHROAT: caused by excessive vocalization of the expression "ayyyyyyyyyyy, forgetabouit!"

17) INSOMNIA: difficulty sleeping unless Sinatra music is playing in the background.

18) DEPRESSION: feelings of hopelessness as if the Feds had just indicted you on RICO charges.

19) TRUNKOPHOBIA: refusal to allow anyone other than a "friend of ours" near the trunk of your Lincoln.

20) OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR: the designer sweats and double-breasted suits in your closet are arranged in alphabetical color order.

While the symptoms of AWS may be disturbing, they are NOT fatal and are easily treatable. The treatment of choice that is MOST effective, although costly, involves the use of a laptop computer. For those of you who find the purchase price of a laptop, cost-prohibitive, please see Forum regular, Gia Scott. She is President of the "It Fell Off a Truck" Foundation, which can provide laptops (among other things) to financially strapped goombahs.

caio!
francesca

AmericanMafia.com

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